My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize