I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
