I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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