i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
