I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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