fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
