Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
