I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
