i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize