Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Boobs speak an international language.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
