I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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