Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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