Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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