I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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