I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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