Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize