I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
