i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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