the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize