remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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