my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
