Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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