He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize