he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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