I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
