He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
