Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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