did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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