I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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