That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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