I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was born a porn star she said
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize