is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
