got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
