she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
