I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's never too late to be topless.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
