I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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