Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
