i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
