i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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