Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
