my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
