I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
