I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
