I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
