So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
