i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
