I must be too annoying 4 u.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
