The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
