1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
