I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
