Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
