did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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