Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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