dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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