I wish I could punch you in the face.
why didn't you poke me back
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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