We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
