yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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