just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
