woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
