i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
