My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize