every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
