This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize