he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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