Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
