oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
