she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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