I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
