dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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