I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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